Mid Week & we got some things to talk about (12/2 12/12/8)

So as I sat thinking earlier this week of what I would touch on this blog the content literally jumped out at me from the computer while I was searching for my "What's Going On" topic for our radio show. Part 2 of the RTT series popped up on my timeline featuring TI and Tiny which would be talking about their marriage and what had caused Tiny to finally file for divorce after so many years of ups and downs within their marriage (they have since sought counseling and worked through their issues and remain committed and together). Tiny said that what caused her to make the move didn't just stem from his extramarital affairs but it stemmed from all the years she sat idle allowing him to be the sole breadwinner and allowing him to call all the shots. She felt like she had lost who she was and had built up all this resentment towards him because not only did he control the household financially she had also allowed him to have her take a step back from her career. Now I did discuss this article during our radio show on Chi-Native Radio on Tuesday night and what I would like to continue to discuss is this notion that any women should ever think to just stay home and take care of home life. We are living in this time and age that requires both partners to work in order to maintain a household because it is not 1940 and it is not fair to assume that one partner should be carrying the load of an entire household. On top of just the financial what about the career that said women decides to give up, what about her wants and desires professionally and her drive? Where does all that go once she decides o.k I'm just going to stay at home and raise kids, then we get into the whole discussion of children and the fact that the women is at home 24/7 raising said kids while the husband is gone working all the time. How does said women find herself again, how does said women move forward in life when the children no longer need a mom 24/7 because they become young adults? Financial is just one part of this discussion but what really happens is the resentment that fills up within the women who now feel alone, under-appreciated and also realizes there is a loss within not just herself but within her own marriage. Tiny said that she felt unheard, unseen that she felt he no longer listened to her, but my thing is how can you expect those things when you sat idle on the sidelines for so long, how can you be mad that your partner no longer seeks you when you have allowed your role to diminish in terms of equality? I don't understand how any women can think I'll stay at home raise kids and if this marriage doesn't work out he owes me some kind of payment? I am not specifically speaking of Tiny in this instance but of so many women who choose to stay home and when the marriage fails and their husband leaves due to cheating these women feel they are owed some sort of financial wealth because they stayed home to raise kids. I am sorry but you don't deserve much of anything other than child support to aid you in continuing to raise the children you produced together. The reality why most marriages of this kind of arrangement fail is due in part that you have two spouses who no longer connect on any other level other than being parents to children they had together. You have two people leading two completely different lives and when your spouse does come home they most times are mentally not available and consumed within their day to day life that doesn't match the home life. This is exactly where the resentment comes from and it builds up over a long period of time and usually explodes into anger and constant fighting and that is what I took from what Tiny was saying happened within her own marriage to TI, it wasn't just his infidelity which I know strained them obviously but it was also all her pent up resentment that she felt because she gave up on her career and allowed him to be in control and she felt she had lost her own voice. Relationships are a lot of work, it takes constant checking in with your partner about their feelings, about their wants, about their desires and most importantly listening and communicating effectively about issues that arise. Women need to stop thinking that once in a relationship they should give up on their own goals to take care of and nurture their partner, prime example I can think of is that simpleton Khloe Kardashian. She is the type of women that got into every relationship threw on her cape and decided to be her partners everything and cater to all their whims and in the end she was cheated on and hurt repeatedly because she always chose her partner over herself and her partner. If you didn't get that last part read that again. She didn't choose herself and her partner she always chose her partner which left her without a voice always sitting on the sidelines like a puppy dog.  Relationships are a two way lane and compromise is always going to need to happen and it must come from both partners. Children don't fix marriages, so if you have a child or two together and your the primary care giver and your partner rarely helps and your upset and say nothing the resentment continues to pile therefore having more will only add to your load and most likely your partners lack of help in child rearing will continue to be the same, so be firm in your decision to additional children within the home, speak up, be heard that more kids may not be what you want and explain why. Staying home, being a maid, being your spouses 24/7 on call and everything won't aid any marriage either because eventually you become invisible again allowing that load of resentment to continue to grow because you harbor feelings of look at all I do for you and you don't care. Losing your sense of self and not having a life outside of your home and children will not aid your marriage because in the end , no goals, no ability to financially take care of yourself set you up to fail all while continuing to allow for one massive fight that reveals the ugly truths within your relationship/marriage which is you simply have no common ground to come back together on, there are no shared or common experiences to share outside of the children or home you have together. Do not lose yourself while taking care of others, do not lose your dreams, desires and goals to appease one person in a two person relationship. Women tend to want to not be honest in fear of losing or upsetting their partner, women tend to think they need to do it all and one thing we must learn is we are not suppose to be our partners mothers or their secretaries, you were someone before you met, married, and became one with your spouse so continue to do and find things that are unique to you so that you and your partner can come back together and actually have relevant things to discuss with one another, enjoy each others milestones and achievements not just one person's achievements. We don't live in the good ol' days, we live in the now and now requires more of us individually and together in order to allow for growth and continued connections within each other. You must take control over your own narrative and not forget you too are important, your goals and dreams matter as well, and you must remember ultimately it takes two people committed to being committed even when times are trying and difficult because the grass is not always greener on the other side it may just have been an illusion. Till next week my sweets, take care of yourself, take care of one another and most importantly learn to listen, learn to speak up because no one can read your thoughts. xoxo. #ThisIsMyBlog #ThrowEmC #ChiNative #YouMatter #SelfCareIsImportant #GotGoals 

1 comment

  • Kevyn Cantrell
    Kevyn Cantrell
    A good dealer and all founding fathers are called for the rules. Page of the field and help me with homework for the forms. The induction is passed for the rule for the tip of the goals for humans.

    A good dealer and all founding fathers are called for the rules. Page of the field and help me with homework for the forms. The induction is passed for the rule for the tip of the goals for humans.

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